Monday, September 12, 2011

Bumper Sticker Bogus

I swear, hubbs is going for mucho hubby brownie points or something tonight. After dinner, he nuzzles up to me and says:

"Hey babe, you haven't written a blog post in like two weeks. Why don't you go do that while I do dishes."

Como say wha?! (That's Spanglish for "Huh?!)

Not one to turn down a skip-to-GO-and-collect-two-hundred-dollars-for-free card, I gladly accepted! Consider your mucho hubby brownie points awarded, babe!

So... now what to talk about on my golden monopoly card night? (Which is, of course, the skip-to-GO card and Wonka-golden-ticket combo package)...

Email tag lines. Why? Because I had a bad experience with one the other day. And yeah... I gotta admit, I'm just not a fan.

Look, I get that adding "Smile, life is beautiful!" to every email you send is supposed to add the warm, happy fuzzy feeling of inspiration to a person's day. And you know what? Who am I to judge, maybe some people ARE inspired by such email tags.

But not me. Why?

They're kind of like the posters plastering the walls of every dentist office in the continental US. YOU know the ones. Since I'm quite certain they aren't up for their asthetically pleasing nature, there can be only one reason for their decorative presence. And I'm sorry, Doc, but the cute kitten-hanging-from-a-tree-branch poster with the "Hang in there!" tag line does NOT make me feel better about the whole needle-and-drill routine.  

[Shrugs]. Sorry. 

Bumper stickers. Dentist office posters. Email tag lines. They're all kind of fake. Know what I mean? A superficial method of inspiration. Call me a cynic, I know.

ANY-who, so I'm sittin' there at work the other day, minding my own business, and I get this email with one of the most ridiculous email tags in the history of email tags. Okay, so maybe not THE most ridiculous, but it was pretty darn close:

"We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails."

Now, I kind of sorta maybe DON'T get what is so inspiring about this "inspirational" quote. This was my translation:

"If the situation isn't taking you where you want to go, reevaluate your destination!"

Meh?? That kind of stupidity ranks up there with Lady Gaga wearing her meat dress to a dog fight.

[Hardy, har. Lame joke alert!]

Now granted, I'm not a sailor. It is, perhaps, possible that if you wanna go north but the winds are blowin' south, that you can adjust the sails to take you north AGAINST the winds. But somehow, I just don't think it works that way. At least--as a non sailor personnel--I don't see how that could physically work. Hence, my translation of said tag. Which I maintain: is ridiculous.

Most of you, dear readers, are writers. Most of you are not published. But most of you are also working your little rear ends off to GET published. And just in case you haven't realized it yet, the wind ain't NEVER gunna be blowin' you to publication my friends! We have to sweat blood and tears to MAKE it happen. Does that mean we reevaluate our goals?

I think not.

Here's what I propose that email sender change her tag line to:

"If you can't change the wind... cannon ball, belly flop or dive outta that freakin' boat and start swimming the direction YOU want to go!"

But that's just my opinion.

What lame tag, bumper sticker or dentist office poster lines have YOU come across?!


(Mandi) said...

Holy moly! Where do I start?!

You've seen a those motivational posters they're black and have one large word with a quote under it?

COMMITMENT "Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go."- William Feather--with photo of a kitten crying for help as it hung on to a rope for dear life.

So I took this nugget of "motivation" to mean, "others will have to die before I get a shot." It's like me asking you, "Um, Julie? Could you please let go? I'd like my turn and you're preventing that. Thanks!"

Someone please smack me before I get in the way of another person's dream that just happens to be the same as mine.

On a side note:
I really hope no kittens were harmed during the making of that photo. It just makes me want to scream, "SAVE THE KITTY!" not, "WRITE A NOVEL, FOOL!"

The other day someone sent me a chain letter e-mail (oh, how I despise them) that said, "If your efforts are sometimes greeted with indifference, don't lose heart. The sun puts on a wonderful show at daybreak, yet most of the people in the audience go on sleeping."

Great! So my success will come when that ONE PERSON decides to wake up? Please tell me something I don't know. That's like looking up the word "Redundant" in Webster's Dictionary and having the word say, "See Redundant"

*Drop kick's quote*

I also (willingly and not sure why,) found one sponsored by Google and worthy of my dartboard...

NO EXCUSES: Ninety-nine percent of failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses. -George Washington Carver

FYI- If he were still alive, I'd offer to shove a peanut up his nose.

Here I thought I was the only one who opposed negativity disguised as positive reinforcement. Especially when it always makes me feel like poo or like I'm not doing enough. What the heck ever happened to simple, "Good job!"? I'd give my baby toe for a, "What can I do to help you?" even if there wasn't anything for them to physically do for me. Sort of like the hubby offering taking up dish duty to let you write a post on your blog. That right there? PRICELESS!

I know that many think they are helping with their "motivations", and I know they mean well, but I wish some folks wouldn't try.

Great post! :)

(Mandi) said...

Ugh! Why, oh why can't I just write a sentence or two?!

Sorry for spewing in your comment section. *blushes*

Abby said...

The ones that drives me the most crazy are when people leave them on their voicemail messages. OMG! SHUT UP! And they always try to say it in the most dreamy voice possible. *gag* Ugh.

Julie said...

Mandi: Hahahahahah! Oh, girl you make me laugh! I love, love, LOVE your comments--length and all! Seriously, keep 'em coming, girl!

Abby: What? I've never even heard of that (luckily!) Next time try leaving your message in the same dreamy voice. Bahahahaha!! That'll show 'em!

Anonymous said...

I used to keep fortunes from cookies, but I stopped. I figured I really don't need any external pieces of inspiration floating around. They don't really do anything for me. It has to come from within, not from a paper or poster or sticker.

ali cross said...

Heccckkkkk YESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

Julie said...

Ali: if this were facebook, I would TOTALLY "Like" your comment ( : Haha!

Mandi said...

@Julie Phew! I'm still new at blogging and the last thing I want is to yak to the point that no one wants to talk to me and posts a virtual photo of a dunce cap on my blog.

Advice from you and all other writers on manners of blogging, including a respectful, "ZIP IT!" I will take with the utmost encouragement to my success here on Blogger. :)

I promise I have an off button. I've in truth, I've named it "procrastination" and it's the mute button I wish I didn't push so much when it came to my novel.

Small Town Shelly Brown said...

My 3yo came running up to the computer while I was reading your post and shouted,
"Those look 'licious! I want to EAT those!!!"
(the brownies, not the cat or the diver)

I love the diver BTW. SWIM fellow underpublished awesomeers, SWIM!

Julie said...

Mandi: I can't speak for other bloggers, but I LOVE interacting with other people via awesome blog-ness! Hence, comments (long OR short) are encouraged here!! I, do--in fact--have a "shut up you're annoying me" button, which (unfortunately) I'm not afraid to use... (much to the embarassment of my hubbs), HOWEVER, never fear! I seriously doubt you'll ever see me using it here. I like blogging people to much!

P.s. Procrastination? Also a button I have. I'm working on re-wiring that one... ( ;

Shelly: Hahahaha! Me and your 3yo think alike (smart kid!) Unfortunately for me, I niether made those brownies, nor do I have the ability to make them (much to fancy for my pour-box-in-bowl-add-eggs-and-oil brownie making abilities!) Hence, I'm sitting here chocolate-free in person. (Lame!)

Also, you should know... I'm going to stalk your blog now... Bahahahahahaha! [that was my evil stalker laugh] ( :

Peggy Eddleman said...

Hahahaha! I love your changed tag line! I feel strangely compelled to put that on a poster and hang it in my office. :)

Julie said...

Peggy: don't forget to add the diver. I feel he is an integral part to the overall effect.


Anonymous said...

I showed up here through a google search for inspirational kitten posters. It is possible to sail upwind, through a zig-zagging maneuver known as "tacking" -- that's the "adjust the sails" part of the inspirational phrase. The point being, with extra effort you can always make progress.

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